Friends, last time I introduced a new communication series called “You Have a Voice.” You can find that introduction post here.
I hope you were as inspired by those empowering words “you have a voice” as I was when I first heard them. Now that we know we have a voice, let’s learn how to use it!
What does it mean to use your voice?
So, does using our voice mean that we have to get angry and cause a fuss every time we feel unheard or offended? That’s not it at all. What I mean is we have permission to use our voice to get our needs met.
In the Conscious Discipline method used in schools, they teach children to, “use your Big Voice!” Basically, it’s teaching them to point out the thing that’s happening that they don’t like and say how they would like to be treated differently. Adults might refer to this as being assertive. And please note that there is a difference between assertive and aggressive.
An aggressive response might cause a conflict to escalate into a heated argument and potentially damage a relationship. Alternately, a passive response (just allowing the thing to happen) would ensure that the offender has the opportunity to keep on behaving like they are because they likely have no idea – or maybe just don’t care – that you have a problem with their behavior. However, an assertive response seeks to preserve the relationship while being sure your point gets across, asking for things to change, and telling the other person how you wish that would happen. Essentially, you put the ball in their court: if they want to change, they will, but if not, you’ve given them the opportunity to know where you stand.
Let’s look at an example:
Practical Application for Today
Below is an example of a situation where we can choose what voice to use: assertive, passive, or aggressive. How do you think each would turn out?
You’ve been invited to sit on a special parent advisory committee and you’re a little nervous because you’re the newest person in the room. You work up the courage to contribute your ideas, but this one parent cuts you off every time you start talking. This happens on more than one occasion. What do you do?
- Aggressive Response: Walk up to the person after a meeting and say, “I’ve had enough! I have a problem with you interrupting me all the time. That’s really rude! You know, I was invited to be on this committee and I’m going to say what I need to say next time.”
- Passive Response: Try to talk, but give up thinking, “Well, whatever. My opinion probably won’t make a difference anyway.” Then for the next three days, you ruminate on how rude that person was and what you wish you had said.
- Assertive Response (using your voice): Follow-up with the person after the meeting and say something along the lines of, “I’ve noticed that whenever I try to contribute to the discussion, I get cut off. I’m sure it’s not on purpose, but that makes me feel like my opinions aren’t valued. What do you think we can do next time to make sure everyone gets an equal time to share?”
As you might see, an assertive response is a good way to alert the person to their behavior (which they might not have been aware of anyway!) and ensure you’re getting your needs met (in this instance, being heard), while also helping to prevent an emotionally escalated conflict that might damage a relationship. Asking the question “what do you think we can do next time” also shows that you value their opinion and are willing to collaborate on a solution. You never know when you’re going to be on a committee with that person again or your kids become best friends!
This method can work well in many situations – in your marriage, with your children, in the community, and so on. I’d love for you to let me know when you try it and how it works out!
In the meantime, let’s see what the bible teaches us about conflict resolution:
Biblical Application
In Matthew 5:9 Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God,” and in Romans 12:18 we are instructed, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Join me next time for part 3 of “You Have a Voice” when we go into the communication method of Empathetic Listening.
Wishing you peace,
Amy
More information on Conscious Discipline and the Big Voice can be found in this article at https://consciousdiscipline.com/getting-over-the-finish-line-with-big-voice/.
