Friend, welcome to part three of our five-part series on communication called “You Have a Voice.” Today, we’re going to talk about Empathetic Listening.
What is empathetic listening?
Have you ever shared with someone a struggle that you’re having, only to be met with an “I’m so sorry?” Or perhaps they just say, “I’ll be praying for you” and that’s it? Maybe they were super positive and reminded you that “this too shall pass”? Or just maybe you’ve been the one to pass along these sweet reminders – I know I have. I get it. I’m a big ol’ Christian and I’ve also said all of these when trying to comfort someone who’s hurting. However, the challenge is that we often use them as our go-to’s and forget that there’s a person, one of our brothers or sisters, in front of us who might just need to be heard. That’s empathy.
Here’s what I mean…
You’ve probably heard that there is a difference between sympathy and empathy. Depending on where you look, you can find various definitions of both. But the two that I found that are most fitting with interpersonal communication are:
- Sympathy is feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.
- Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
For example:
Your husband shares with you that he’s had another horrible day at work. His boss is disrespectful and overbearing, and his coworkers aren’t pulling their weight.
A Sympathetic Response: Oh, dear, I’m so sorry. I bet it’ll blow over! We’ll pray about it, okay? Let’s go out to dinner and take your mind off of it.
A positive, keep-your-chin-up attitude might make you feel better in the moment. However, what has really happened is that all possibility of further communication has been shut down – hard. This well-meaning approach says to your husband, I feel bad for you, but I don’t really care enough to talk about it.
Conversely…
An Empathetic Response: Oh, dear, I’m so sorry. I know it’s been rough the way your boss is treating you. And your coworkers? That’s just not right. What’s been going on?
Being authentically curious about their problem opens the door for your spouse to show some vulnerability, leading to deeper communication, and deeper communication leads to a stronger connection.
Let’s look at another example, this time with your child:
Your child cries to you that they will never win first place at the track meet because everyone else is better than them.
A Sympathetic Response: Oh, sweetie, that’s not true! Not everyone is better than you. If you just practice a little more, I bet you’ll win first place next time! Let’s have a cookie.
This sympathetic response to a child who has just confided in you takes away their chance to work through their feelings. It also robs you of a valuable opportunity to go even deeper in your relationship with them.
On the other hand…
An Empathetic Response: Oh, sweetie. It sounds like you’re really worried that you won’t get first place. You’ve been working really hard too! Can you tell me why you think everyone is better than you? (Then be sure to listen to their response without interrupting.)
You might also add: You know, Dad and I just want your best. What are you going to try, so you can do your best?
An empathetic response acknowledges their feelings (“It sounds like you’re really worried…”) and gives them the opportunity to correct any misassumptions you have about what they’re feeling (sometimes we parents totally miss the mark about what’s really worrying them!).
The example above also gives them some power and responsibility so they can learn to solve their own problems by saying “what are you going to try so you can do your best?”
So what’s the REAL difference?
When we practice empathy, we are able to put ourselves into someone else’s place and feel what they might be feeling. That way, we can be a better spouse, parent, friend, teacher, and so on. The difference is that you don’t just feel sorry and walk away. You might not be able to help in a tangible way, but you can imagine what the other person is going through.
Sometimes listening is all you can do. And lots of times, just being heard is enough. That’s empathy.
Let’s practice below…
Practical Application for Today
A big piece of showing empathy is learning how to listen and communicate with authentic curiosity and without advising. Now, I know some people might think “but, I’m really not naturally empathetic. And I’m not that good of a listener!” The great news I’m here to tell you is that empathy can be developed. And you can start by practicing your empathetic listening skills.
Take the time today to research empathetic listening further on the web or at your local library. Then contact one friend, relative, or coworker and practice the skills you’ve learned.
Be sure to take time to reflect afterward and record your thoughts and feelings in a journal so you can see how it’s working!
Biblical Application
Although the bible does not specifically use the word “empathy,” it is actually at the foundation of the Christian faith. As in John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” Now, if that’s not empathy!
The church is also instructed in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 to “…encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” And in Romans 12:15 “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
Join me next time for part 3 of “You Have a Voice: A Communication Series” when we go into the communication method of Vulnerability.
Wishing you peace,
Amy
